sendthisnow

stn is back and its blogger than before! hey yeah, hey yeah! stn is back!

2.17.2005

Work Poop Survival Guide

This is great. It needs a permanent home here on SendThisNow.

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.


CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.



FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.


ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.


JAILBREAK
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.


COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.


WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.


OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.


THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.


SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.


TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.


CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.


ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.


WATERMELON
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.


HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.


UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

2.10.2005

Estonian Women Love Their Meat

The cattleman and beef producers of America have come up with the slogan/campaign, "Beef, It's What's For Dinner." Most of us have seen the ads in some form or another. For most carnivores the imagery in their ads is likely to stir up feelings of hunger. Shown are juicy, succulent cuts of filet mignon, prime rib, and kabobs; all grilled to perfection and plated with complementary side dishes. One can say that the beef producers in the US have created an effective campaign.

On the flip side, the chicken industry in Estonia has accomplished quite the opposite with their campaign. Unless, of course, you are an Estonian Woman.

See what I mean - Estonian Beef.

I found more about this on BoingBoing after writing this post.

wowoweewaa!

2.05.2005

Women Peeing While Standing

It's about time a woman had the ability to write pee their name in the dirt, the ability to carve away a patch of snow with deadly, yellow, precision. Enter Magic Cone.

Magic Cone is a funnel made of disposable cardboard. It has curved profile in upper opening to fit the female's body and the lower opening is large enough to prevent over flow of urine. By holding the two sides of the funnel between thumb and fingers and pressing it toward each other, it will lock up in an open and semi-rigid position and remain open while in use. The outer surface of the funnel will not get wet during urination.


(But seriously, women could find this thing could be useful outdoors, and in nasty bathrooms. And maybe, just maybe, in a car so I don't need to stop every 30 miles.)

It's here, and it's going to liberate women everywhere. The Magic Cone

2.02.2005

UPDATE: VW Polo Suicide Bomber Ad - CAUGHT!

In reference to the previous post. The VW Bomber Ad creators have stepped forward.
There were apologies made and arses kissed. Yada yada yada...

But...VW dropped the charges against the creators. They also got an ad in front of millions(?) of eyeballs (which are attached to brains of people who make up their target demographic). Not to mention the free press vis-a-vis the newsworthy legal action opposing the already popular ad. The fall guys step forward, get their name out, (and a possible paycheck?) Everyone walks away happy. Sounds like a brilliant marketing plan to me.


2.01.2005

VW Polo Suicide Bomber

Recently a (spoof?) Volkswagon ad has been circulating around the internet. It depicts a would-be suicide car bomber driving a VW Polo. He finds a "suitable location", ripe with life and people who don't look like him, and proceeds to detonate the explosives strapped to his body. Ultimately the VW saves the day.

I just so happen to have a copy of the VW Polo tv spot. You are going to need QuickTime. For some reason the QuickTime plug-in won't play it in my browser, so right click and save the .mov to your harddrive and play it from there.

Oh yeah, VW and its advertisers claim that this was an unauthorized spoof and are rather upset. Subsequently, VW has filed charges; although they don't know who the perp is. (In Germany you can file charges against unknowns and zie polizei gets to point the finger. hmmm.)

You can read the news story here.

tada!

1.31.2005

Uber-Sperm!!! Zie New German Race

german reality television producers are on a quest to find the most virile man. in Sperm Race, 12 donors will compete to see who has the world's fastest sperm.

however, no human egg will be fertilized in this historic event. instead, samples will be placed in a test tube with a chemical substance nearly identical to that of a human egg. and to make sure that there is no funny business with the sperm, a team of doctors will be standing by. add lights, cameras, marketing, and bloggers and you have a race!

the one who comes in first the owner of the sperm to "fertilize the egg" will be awarded a shiny, new, red porsche. undoubtedly, the victor, with newfound fame and red porsche, will be making many more donations.

details were not released as to how much footage of the pre-race warmup will be aired on television. i suspect that will be saved for the unrated-dvd-box-set which will be on store shelves in time for christmas. perhaps mtv is developing their own series - "the real sperm".

you can read more about Sperm Race here.


apparently increasing numbers of german men suffer from poor sperm. i wonder why.


Living in 2005

someone sent me the following email. i decided to post it below.

You know you're living in 2005 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have! the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of
the> screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
:)

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING at yourself. Go on, forward this ...you know you want to!.


amazing isn't it. let me know if you know the origins of this email.

1.27.2005

first post.

yeah that's right. first.